Author: OSIRO NYAR KEPHA

 

Words I never uttered, you shoved down my throat.

Thoughts I never had, you flung across the room.

Intentions I never conceived, you tied and bound to my frame.

You judged and condemned me, without a trial.

I deserved no defence, you declared.

No word did I utter.

I was utterly silent, yet even that, was my downfall.

 

 

 

She longed for acceptance.

She thirsted for approval.

She yearned for a warm embrace.

She hungered for love.

 

None of what she aspired for, materialized.

Had she missed the morsels thrown at her feet?

Was there anything left for her?

She looked around her, agonizingly.

 

She knelt on the dusty pathway.

She crawled, clawing frantically, searching, seeking.

She tried to gather crumbs strewn around her. 

Meagre crumbs of acknowledgement flung her way.

 

 

What does it have to do with anything?

What does it have to do with this here now?

What does it have to do with all these?

What does it have to do with you?

What does it have to do with me, myself and I?

I dare ask you my learned foe or is it, friend?

 

 

Hey!

Why is your face so grim and lonely?

Why is your countenance so wary?

Why are these anxious thoughts bullying and taunting you? 

Why are they strutting all over the expanse of your face?

Why are the windows of your soul so full?

Why are you agitated with the tsunami of a troubled mind?

Do tell me why this is so!

 

 

Flow unhindered.

Free, unfettered.

Soar above this din.

Fly above this storm.

Soar, above this here crazy world of ours.

Glide.

Smile.

Enjoy each futile, fleeting moment.

Embrace the fragile beauty of this here life.

 

I don’t belong here.

I don’t belong there.

My roots are developing here.

My roots go so deep over there.

 

Why this disquiet?

Why this unrest?

Am I here?

Am I over there?

 

Do I have to choose?

Do I have to get into a box?

Do I have to check-in at only one counter?

Do I have to embrace only one reality?

 

I am here.

I am there.

I belong here.

I belong there.

 

My heart is here.

My heart is there.

So, here and there is my reality.

Oh, lovely this duality of my existence.

 

My residence here and my roots there are the Ying and Yang that make my home. 

 

 

You see, what you see.

I don’t see, what you see. 

Because, if I saw what you see;

I will have to react to what you see. 

 

I am OK in my ignorant state.

Yes, it is an artificial ignorance.

It is a predetermined state of non-seeing.

Yes, I refuse to see what is visible and right before me.

 

When I admit that I saw what you see, I will have to deal with it.

 

So, I bury my head in the sand.

I see nothing.

I hear nothing.

I smell nothing.

 

Well, not really nothing.

 

I do see something.

I do hear something.

I do smell something.

I do feel something.

 

This something is the sand of indifference.

 

I have heaped this dirt on my head.

I have buried my head in the sand.

I want to involve myself in nothing that isn’t my responsibility.

I need to remind you, that apart from me, nothing else is of concern, to me.

 

 

She pushes herself to the corner.

She crouches, bunches herself into a ball.

She hopes to warm herself in the biting cold.

She steels herself as the frozen glacial hand of frost, wrenches her from her safe corner.

She tries to ward off the firm icy grasp of winter that shakes and rattles her mercilessly.

 

The humid mist of indifference and rejection seeps into every fold of her garment.

It chills her to the bone.

She struggles to warm her deadened body as her heart cries for life.

The howling desolate wind of lack and “barely making ends meet” pushes her to the ground.

They devour the last morsel of hope she’d held dearly in her bosom.

 

She doesn’t give in to despair.

She gathers herself painfully.

She struggles back to her feet.

She shakes like a flag in a tornado.

She is unsteady like a boat in the stormy sea.

 

She painstakingly  with an iron will, gathers the crumbs of hope strewn around her.

She vows to herself that no matter what it takes she will persevere.

She will nurture the frail, fragile bird called hope.

She will allow it to soar high again.

Her life depended on it.

 

 

I am scared.

I cannot move.

I cannot breathe.

I tremble and shake.

 

My mouth is dry.

My heartbeat is a drum.

My knees are wobbly.

My hands are clammy.

 

My mind is blank.

My eyes are haggard.

My nose flares.

My stomach is a knot.

 

I am terrified.

I am anxious.

I am worried.

I am stuck.

 

Oh! What do I do?

 

Do I cringe?

Do I stop?

Do I quit?

Do I run?

 

Do I persevere?

Do I push past the fear?

Do I tread though it is not clear?

Do I move forward though none cheers?

 

I will give it a try.

I have nothing to lose.

I have all to gain.

I will do it afraid.

 

Dear me, I release you.

Enjoy the journey, embrace your failures. 

Take pleasure in your small victories.

Be kind to yourself; this is the oxygen that will take you to the summit.

 

 

I want to change.

How do I do it?

I want to stop.

Please show me how.

 

Each struggle pushes me back.

Each wriggle puts me down.

Each step forward I take brings me lower.

Each tentative I make brings me to my knees.

 

Oh! What can I do?

Who can help this sinking woman!

 

 

She tried to steel her trembling heart.

Her shaking hands.

She wanted to quiet the rage, fear, and tremor she felt within.

The volcano within her was rumbling, throbbing.

The pressure was building up.

It was almost the breaking point.

The molten lava was boiling.

The volcano, on the verge of exploding;

Spewing out the potent, scorching mass;

Burning everything in its wake.

She was exhausted.

She was burned out.

 

 

My soul,  I bared.

I am grateful you cared.

For my burden, you shared.

 

They, say.

We say.

Who says?

I’ll say.

No, say!

 

Push inwards.

Pull outwards.

Stretch sideways.

Flatten completely.

 

Pressure from outside.

Pressure from inside.

Pressure from around.

Pressure from above.

 

Please release me.

Please relieve me.

Please rescue me.

Please relent!

 

Oh! 

Ease this pressure that is breaking me!

 

 

There is no void in nature; the saying goes.

I wonder.

If I don’t do anything, do things stay the same?

If I don’t do anything; do I stay the same?

Is it possible?

It nags me.

 

Is inertia nothingness?

Do tell.

Is it a state of non-choice?

Which is still a choice; thus there is a result.

I wonder.

When I look at myself, it seems to be the case.

 

My immobility Is Consent. 

It is a refusal.

It depends on the circumstance.

It is influenced by those involved.

Oh, I am trapped.

When I aim at nothing; I get it in plenty.

 

Oh well, I will get up.

I will choose something.

At least I will aim at a target of my choosing.

Whether It be good or bad, it is my choice.

I will stop hesitating. 

So, I jump out of my comfort zone.

 

1, 2, 3, go!

Life, here I come!

 

 

Troubled, are you?

Worried, are you?

Shaken, are you?

Broken, are you?

 

I heard you were down.

I heard you were hurt.

I heard you were worn out, shattered.

I heard you could barely stand.

 

You struggle.

You stagger.

You tremble.

You crumble.

 

No tears left.

A shadow of your former self, you are now.

No strength left.

A wisp of smoke easily blown away, you are now.

 

Broken, shattered you may be now.

It is darkest before dawn.

Your sun will rise again.

Each warm ray will come forth with healing on its wings.

 

A healing balm comes forth; to bind the broken, the shattered, the worn out, burned out soul.

 

 

 

Do, what you do.

The way, you do what you do; when you do what you do.

Do it to the best of your ability.

Doing, what it is that you do; when you do what you do.

Whenever you do this thing, you do.

Do it happily, enjoying every moment; you do your thing.

 

Every time I was around you, I came away drained.

No matter how hard I tried, I was never enough.

Whatever I shared,

Whatever I tried to make you see;

Shrivelled, dried up and died at your feet.

Neglected, rejected.

 

Tonight, it’s almost the same old story.

I opened the gates of my heart, to let you in.

You seemed to appreciate it.

I was ecstatic, you almost fooled me.

Then the verdict fell.

You deemed that I wasn’t enough.

 

Your harsh judgment has always crushed me.

It left me second guessing myself.

I  wondered how to achieve this elusive state of “enoughness.”

I have renounced it tonight.

I will no longer chase after this unattainable goal of pleasing you.

For it is all chasing after the wind.

 

I have finally realized that I am enough.

With all my cracks and crevices, I am enough.

I am enough just being me.

I can grow.

I can improve.

I can be a better version, but always of me.

 

I am enough!

 

 

I can.

There is no other way.

I will.

There is no better option.

I must.

There is no turning back.

 

I move forward.

I reach out further.

I confront circumstances.

I push beyond my limits.

I build and bounce back from my experiences.

I leap, I soar.

 

I am alive, finally!

 

 

Be gentle with me.

You are careful with others.

You are sweet to others.

You are wild toward me.

 

Take me as I am.

For I am all, you’ll ever have.

I am not cynical when I say this.

An unbreakable thread binds us.

 

Wherever you go, I am with you.

Whatever you do, I am present.

We share our thoughts.

We feel the same thing.

 

Be gentle with me.

Everyone goes away.

I am always with you.

They never see your secret struggles, I do.

 

You, myself and I make a fantastic team.

Life is lovely when we agree.

So, do bury the hatchet.

Please end the negative self-talk and self-loathing. 

 

Be gentle with me, dear self.