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It felt good to laugh.

She thought pensively.

Her brows hugged each other in a concerned frown.

She had felt relaxed and refreshed.

Yet, there was a heaviness that threatened to suffocate her.

She saw in her mind’s eye the culprit.

She had done it again.

She had been ruminating about her new job.

She sighed.

She mentally made a note; it was time to lay it down.

She had to let go of her urge to control everyting.

She had done her best.

She breathed in deeply and allowed herself to unwind.

She made up her mind to savour each moment.

She looked at the pictures on the screen.

She stared as the images billowed and flowed one after the other.

Her heart plunged into the frozen realities captured in the photos.

She marvelled at the joy and laughter she saw in the still images of her former self.

She felt the deep pang of jealousy and envy.

She thought she had gotten over it.

She sighed and shrugged, a sheepish smile lighting her face.

She couldn’t stop the sands of time.

She had changed.

She pulled out her phone and took a selfie.

Her grinning face confirmed it.

It was okay, she realised.

There was something softer, wiser and restful in her countenance.

Life had happened, but she still smelled the roses.

That was enough, she thought.

She looked at the pictures and her chest tightened painfully.

She envied them so much.

She felt embarrassed as jealousy and resentment rose in her soul like bile.

She knew that where she was now was the result of the choices she had made.

She had also been dealt bad cards.

Didn’t that matter? She wondered.

She sighed deeply, heavily.

She then resigned herself to acknowledge the voice in her weary soul.

She was the master of her destiny.

She saw the cup as either full or empty, no matter what life dished out to her.

She sighed again and steeled her heart.

She had made up her mind to enjoy her life bit by bit, no matter the cost.

A piece of me.

Grappling, grabbing, gropping.

A piece of me.

Dividing the spoils amongst you.

What is left of me?

For me?

What morsels, crumbs are left?

For me to gather to bring in?

A piece of me.

Little by little.

Day by day.

Siphoned away.

Each of your demands, requests.

Each of your emergencies.

Chip away at me.

Piece by piece.

A piece of me.

Oh!

That I may be whole again.

That I may be all, again.

Yes, all of me.

Not these pieces.

Yes, not these fragments that you greedily, hungrily gobble up.

That you violently, smuggle, steal, take forcefully away.

I fall over myself.

I hem and haw as I try to keep my demeanour before I put my heart forward and lay myself bare.

Yet, once again, with a lovely smile and sweet laughter, you draw me in.

Without any warning, you pounce on me. 

You then cut me down with the double-edged sword of judgment and indifference.

Let me be!

Stop breathing down my neck.

I know what I am doing.

Well, I do make mistakes.

Even right now, I am not on the right track.

But please listen!

Breathing down my neck doesn’t help me.

So, let me be.

Let me fumble, mumble, bumble and stagger my way into growth.

I fall but get up even stronger and wiser.

I am ashamed to look at myself.

What I see makes me squirm and shake in my boots.

I have you here, but I long for the one who is deceased. 

I can hold you near, but I yearn for the one who has completely vacated my life. 

I see you shake and crumble before my eyes. 

I stand petrified, waiting with bated breath.

I stare, wondering, will you stand up again, or will you fade away like the morning dew in the noonday sun?

She bit her lower lip as her eyes misted up.

Her heart melted into a gooey, syrupy, molten mass of hopefulness.

It amazed her the way her friend had packed the bags to the brim.

“Just something small for you”, she had said.

But oh! how these ‘little nothings’ that her friend had sent her nurtured her soul.

They were a feast that would see her through the barren, parched month she was traversing.

These showers of friendly generosity nourished her.

I try, but I still bite the dust.

I stand again on wobbly, hesitant feet.

I lunge forward in a bid to grasp the time that I have squandered.

I fall flat on my face.

I lay down, wallowing in my self-loathing and self-flagellation.

Until the scales fall off my eyes.

Then I realise that the sands of time wait for no one and listen to no excuses, no matter how valid they may be.

I then release myself to heal and move forward, scars, flaws, cracks and all.

For this is how I seize my life.

Pain.

It lingers.

It weaves and meanders through the fabric of our lives.

Leaving us distressed and disillusioned.

Pain.

It tears apart our existence. 

It ambushes, rending and lacerating our hearts.

Leaving us bleeding, wounded.

Pain.

It oozes and permeates our daily existence.

It smothers and clobbers us.

Leaving us feeling helpless and lost.

Yet, you don’t have the final say.

Hope and gratitude for the life we live keep us afloat. 

I feel lost.

My whole body has tensed up.

I breathe in and exhale.

I feel relaxed, but my body is still tense.

The truth is, I am tired, scared, and worn out.

I feel so helpless and terrified when I look ahead.

I feel stuck in a time warp.

I keep reliving the past.

I want out.

I want to catch my breath.

I want to live, not exist. 

You heard the loud cry of my silence.

You reached out to me, keen to listen and peel away the layers of my reserve.

You read between the lines of my muteness.

You saw the world of pain and fatigue I had expertly simulated.

You brought me out of my silent grave.

With your empathy and gentle touch, you drew me out.

The tone was right.

Her words were well chosen.

Even the laughter that punctuated their conversation was well curated.

She held in check the throbbing, hurting truth that hid deep within her heart.

She clenched her fists and willed herself to relax and let the conversation flow.

Yet, she, the beast, could not be tamed.

It lashed out and crawled out of the grave of make-believe that she had buried it in. 

When the ugly truth reared its head, she was terrified, then enraged, then finally at ease.

You didn’t cover me, did you?

That’s what I thought at a glance.

You seemed detached and self-centred.

Then the scales fell from my eyes, and I finally saw clearly.

These nagging words: 

Eat! Go to sleep! Take a shower! Go for a walk!

Yes, these words that grated on my nerves were actually your way of telling me you cared.

I meant a lot to you; that is why you didn’t like to see me waste away.

She sat still, trying hard to let herself go.

She couldn’t.

She tried again, struggling to release her tightly clenched jaw.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to let go.

The more she thought about it, the more her breathing became choppy and irregular.

She swallowed hard the bitter taste of discouragement that filled her mouth.

Dry tears welled and gushed into the desert of her parched, desolate soul.

There is a way in which pain lingers.

There is a way in which my heart splinters.

I swallow the shards of anguish and trepidation.

I breathe in the rancid, noxious fumes of indifference.

The toxic vapours of bitterness swish and whirl around me.

The cold, merciless vines of rancour seize my soul, imprisoning me.

They threaten to choke the very life out of me.

She yearned and longed to belong.

She did everything she knew how to do to fit in.

When she thought that she had finally arrived, she missed the mark.

The destination called “approval and acceptance” moved beyond her reach.

She remained stuck at the edge of the precipice, saying, “I have given my all”.

It hurt.

It burnt her insides.

It ravaged her soul.

So desolate, discarded, unwanted she felt.

She was of no use now.

She lay on her sickbed, watching the world go by.

She wore a serene face.

She put on a calm demeanour.

A sweet smile stretched on her taut face.

Yet, her lonely heart bled and cried out for solace.

Did anyone care?

Did anyone see her, really see her as a human being?

Or was she unimportant now that she seemed to have nothing to give?

I always want to be someone else.

I long to have a different physique, hair texture, personality and even origin.

I am dissatisfied, discontent, and unhappy with myself.

Yet, today, upon waking, I looked at the reflection in the mirror.

I sank deep into the eyes, staring back at me.

Then it dawned on me.

I had never taken the time to get to know her.

My heart felt a certain type of way.

As I unlocked the intimidating door of self-discovery, I fell into myself.

Oh! What an amazing new world this is.

Oh! How I long to find you, meet you, get to know you.

The free, carefree, light and ethereal version of myself.

For life has tethered me to worries and cares.

I am bent, hunched over.

I can barely drag my shackled feet on this winding road that is my existence.