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I fall over myself.

I hem and haw as I try to keep my demeanour before I put my heart forward and lay myself bare.

Yet, once again, with a lovely smile and sweet laughter, you draw me in.

Without any warning, you pounce on me. 

You then cut me down with the double-edged sword of judgment and indifference.

Let me be!

Stop breathing down my neck.

I know what I am doing.

Well, I do make mistakes.

Even right now, I am not on the right track.

But please listen!

Breathing down my neck doesn’t help me.

So, let me be.

Let me fumble, mumble, bumble and stagger my way into growth.

I fall but get up even stronger and wiser.

I am ashamed to look at myself.

What I see makes me squirm and shake in my boots.

I have you here, but I long for the one who is deceased. 

I can hold you near, but I yearn for the one who has completely vacated my life. 

I see you shake and crumble before my eyes. 

I stand petrified, waiting with bated breath.

I stare, wondering, will you stand up again, or will you fade away like the morning dew in the noonday sun?

She bit her lower lip as her eyes misted up.

Her heart melted into a gooey, syrupy, molten mass of hopefulness.

It amazed her the way her friend had packed the bags to the brim.

“Just something small for you”, she had said.

But oh! how these ‘little nothings’ that her friend had sent her nurtured her soul.

They were a feast that would see her through the barren, parched month she was traversing.

These showers of friendly generosity nourished her.

I try, but I still bite the dust.

I stand again on wobbly, hesitant feet.

I lunge forward in a bid to grasp the time that I have squandered.

I fall flat on my face.

I lay down, wallowing in my self-loathing and self-flagellation.

Until the scales fall off my eyes.

Then I realise that the sands of time wait for no one and listen to no excuses, no matter how valid they may be.

I then release myself to heal and move forward, scars, flaws, cracks and all.

For this is how I seize my life.

Pain.

It lingers.

It weaves and meanders through the fabric of our lives.

Leaving us distressed and disillusioned.

Pain.

It tears apart our existence. 

It ambushes, rending and lacerating our hearts.

Leaving us bleeding, wounded.

Pain.

It oozes and permeates our daily existence.

It smothers and clobbers us.

Leaving us feeling helpless and lost.

Yet, you don’t have the final say.

Hope and gratitude for the life we live keep us afloat. 

I feel lost.

My whole body has tensed up.

I breathe in and exhale.

I feel relaxed, but my body is still tense.

The truth is, I am tired, scared, and worn out.

I feel so helpless and terrified when I look ahead.

I feel stuck in a time warp.

I keep reliving the past.

I want out.

I want to catch my breath.

I want to live, not exist. 

You heard the loud cry of my silence.

You reached out to me, keen to listen and peel away the layers of my reserve.

You read between the lines of my muteness.

You saw the world of pain and fatigue I had expertly simulated.

You brought me out of my silent grave.

With your empathy and gentle touch, you drew me out.

The tone was right.

Her words were well chosen.

Even the laughter that punctuated their conversation was well curated.

She held in check the throbbing, hurting truth that hid deep within her heart.

She clenched her fists and willed herself to relax and let the conversation flow.

Yet, she, the beast, could not be tamed.

It lashed out and crawled out of the grave of make-believe that she had buried it in. 

When the ugly truth reared its head, she was terrified, then enraged, then finally at ease.

You didn’t cover me, did you?

That’s what I thought at a glance.

You seemed detached and self-centred.

Then the scales fell from my eyes, and I finally saw clearly.

These nagging words: 

Eat! Go to sleep! Take a shower! Go for a walk!

Yes, these words that grated on my nerves were actually your way of telling me you cared.

I meant a lot to you; that is why you didn’t like to see me waste away.

She sat still, trying hard to let herself go.

She couldn’t.

She tried again, struggling to release her tightly clenched jaw.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to let go.

The more she thought about it, the more her breathing became choppy and irregular.

She swallowed hard the bitter taste of discouragement that filled her mouth.

Dry tears welled and gushed into the desert of her parched, desolate soul.

There is a way in which pain lingers.

There is a way in which my heart splinters.

I swallow the shards of anguish and trepidation.

I breathe in the rancid, noxious fumes of indifference.

The toxic vapours of bitterness swish and whirl around me.

The cold, merciless vines of rancour seize my soul, imprisoning me.

They threaten to choke the very life out of me.

She yearned and longed to belong.

She did everything she knew how to do to fit in.

When she thought that she had finally arrived, she missed the mark.

The destination called “approval and acceptance” moved beyond her reach.

She remained stuck at the edge of the precipice, saying, “I have given my all”.

It hurt.

It burnt her insides.

It ravaged her soul.

So desolate, discarded, unwanted she felt.

She was of no use now.

She lay on her sickbed, watching the world go by.

She wore a serene face.

She put on a calm demeanour.

A sweet smile stretched on her taut face.

Yet, her lonely heart bled and cried out for solace.

Did anyone care?

Did anyone see her, really see her as a human being?

Or was she unimportant now that she seemed to have nothing to give?

I always want to be someone else.

I long to have a different physique, hair texture, personality and even origin.

I am dissatisfied, discontent, and unhappy with myself.

Yet, today, upon waking, I looked at the reflection in the mirror.

I sank deep into the eyes, staring back at me.

Then it dawned on me.

I had never taken the time to get to know her.

My heart felt a certain type of way.

As I unlocked the intimidating door of self-discovery, I fell into myself.

Oh! What an amazing new world this is.

Oh! How I long to find you, meet you, get to know you.

The free, carefree, light and ethereal version of myself.

For life has tethered me to worries and cares.

I am bent, hunched over.

I can barely drag my shackled feet on this winding road that is my existence.

She turned her face towards the sun.

She allowed the warm sun rays to caress and thaw her worried countenance.

She breathed in deeply, inhaling the crisp winter air.

All her senses woke up in song, glad to be alive yet another day.

Rest.

Breathe, inhale, exhale.

Unravel, unwind, unfold.

Stretch, skip, run.

I chuckle, chortle, guffaw.

I laugh, dance and twirl.

I swirl like wine in a glass.

I allow the hidden aroma of my life to come forth quietly and softly.

A gentle breeze wafts the scent of my blooming heart through my open soul.

It’s a lot.

Where do I turn?

Where do I go?

How do I begin again?

I am knee-deep.

I can barely waddle my way through this bog.

I have lost my footing, and the quicksand of foreboding is sucking me under.

Violent waves of dread threaten to capsise the fragile boat that is my life.

Yet, a ray of sunshine has broken through in this dreary and gloomy sky.

The warm light of hope warms my frozen soul.

She looked outside.

It was raining.

The raindrops fell steadily, quietly.

It matched her current mood.

She was downcast.

Her heart was forlorn, heavy, grieving.

She didn’t yell or cry out loud.

The storm outside intensified.

She finally allowed the dam within her to break.

The teardrops came, hot and furious, flooding her shattered soul.