Heart now light.
Heart now light.
She laughed pitifully, painfully.
She wept happily, joyfully.
It was an upside down world.
The end was the commencement.
The bitter was sweet.
The emptiness was full.
The loneliness was company enough.
The darkness was blinding light.
She was in a time warp.
It was a house of mirrors.
Her life was deforming, deceptively so.
She was tossed to and fro.
She was now trapped.
The mask had morphed, taking a life of its own.
She was now a puppet.
The executioner, the brainless, emotionless pawn.
She was the pawn in this chessboard of relationships.
She had lost control.
It terrified her out of her wits.
Or what she had left of it anyway.
I am full, nicely so.
I ate well, my lunch I mean.
So, I am quite content.
I am full, intensely so.
I rested well, my soul I mean.
Quite at ease.
I am full, overwhelmingly so.
I am overflowing, well, my heart is.
I mean, I am quite blessed.
Do I cave in and let my heart sting?
Do I give in and let despair set in upon me?
Do I fight with all I have in me?
Do I give the fight of my life?
For all that loving that wretched my esteem.
That made my heart steam.
That made my tears stream.
That made me shaken.
The gallant token I was offered.
Drew me close and taken I was.
That seemed to me a proof of your lovin’.
Oh! The gullible soul is so easy to coil around one’s firm hold.
Not all that glitters is gold, they say.
This gold here that holds my heart.
Is so cold you see.
You make me recoil when I see you.
You make something crawl inside me.
I don’t want to see you.
Take note of you I won’t.
I do not want to see the real issue.
These unspoken issues that lie behind the loud shouts.
They hide behind your irritating, obnoxious mannerisms.
Of your drunken self.
I will not.
I should not.
Notice nor care.
Because if I do, my heart bleeds for you.
For your shout is a silent cry of help.
I see you.
I hear you.
But I also have my problems.
My shoulders aren’t big enough to carry you.
So, off you go!
I shut you out.
I push you out.
I want you far.
I dread you near.
I wish you had cried.
I wish you had mourned.
I wish you had screamed.
I wish you had yelled.
Oh! How I wish you had.
Your laughter is;
The most broken, forsaken.
The most profound wounded sound I have ever heard.
It shook me to my core.
It brought me down to my knees.
It seeped deep into my bones.
It made you part of my heart, causing it to bleed.
You laughed, and now I am haunted by the wretchedness of your life.
The deep solitude.
The deep wounds.
The deep shame.
The deep despair.
The depth of things left unsaid.
You unloaded all of them at my feet, with one laugh.
You chained me to the stake and set me on fire.
Yes, I am now daily consumed by fire.
The never quenched fire of guilt, regret, helplessness, and self-loath.
You laughed and finally brought me grovelling to my knees before you.
Oh! What to do now?
Eyes, darting, here and there.
Fingers, dancing, enlacing, releasing.
Feet, shifting, this way that way.
The wait isn’t easy.
Heart racing, mouth dry.
Cold sweat breaking, trickling, pouring.
Body heated up.
Tummy rumbling, butterflies fluttering, floating.
A sigh of relief, the wait is over now.
Paralysing fear’s dark cobwebs now recede, fading away.
It’s a new day, new possibilities.
Courage warms and strengthens the heart.
Hope springs forth giving it wings.
No, I can’t go yet!
I have so many books to write.
So many wrongs I need to right.
So many cars to ride into the tide of life.
No! I cannot leave yet.
There are songs that I must sing.
Be it is only to the moon.
In the darkest of nights!
What a sight.
What a sound.
Trees, aligning the water bank.
Nature, what a delightful sight.
The stream flows.
Feet and toes are malaxing.
Fingers and palms are caressing.
Eyes are closing, muscles loosening in bliss relaxing.
Stretching taut, numb muscles.
Finally freeing me to be me.
Letting go, unchaining me.
Here I am.
In my unashamed, unadulterated splendour.
With my weaknesses, strengths, uniqueness.
In my quirkiness, and daffiness.
Hello dear me, how are you today?