Author: OSIRO NYAR KEPHA

 

You dish it out so sweetly.

You lay it down so neatly.

Yet, you control mercilessly.

 

 

It caught me unawares.

I was going about my life minding my own business. 

I was happy and content keeping to my lane.

I fought shy of other people’s lives, for my cup was full. 

 

I never saw it coming.

How could I have noticed it?

You see, my nemesis tiptoed on cushioned feet and struck me from behind.

I hit rock bottom, flat on my face as depression walloped me.

 

I was down, but not out.

“I don’t go down easy,” I reminded myself.

I resolved to stand my ground.

I wasn’t slumping back into that dark abyss.

 

“I am weak, but I will fight,” I hyped myself up.

It wasn’t going to be pretty, but I was determined to claw, scratch, poke, and bite my way back to life.

I have been wrestling with my foe, moment by moment, minute by minute.

I am inching forward till I get up, even if my feet wobble, I will stand again.

 

 

I run my fingers through the dirt.

I sift, knead, and sort the earth in my palms.

I inhale the rich smell of the soil.

 

My soul smiles and unwinds.

I am in my secret haven.

I come here to recharge my depleted batteries.

 

I mix in organic fertilizer, careful to keep the balance.

If I add too much, I might burn the plant.

If I put minimal nutrients, the plant’s growth becomes compromised.

 

My lips curl upwards in amused understanding.

Tending to my garden is a reflection of my life.

Balance is key.

 

Oh! How it is easier said than done.

 

 

 

I have tunnel vision.

I only hear and see what I want.

The internet is my supermarket.

My mind is the trolley.

I put into it what I desire.

Nowadays, I don’t have to pick anything.

I only need to let my guard down.

I take no responsibility to watch over my mind; lo and behold, a deluge of information submerges me.

I am free to indulge in this feast set before my hungry and curious soul.

As I gormandize, a chilling thought gnaws at me.

Nothing was free.

My mind, soul, and life were the ultimate price I paid, albeit unknowingly.

 

Her mind is tightly wound and tense.

Anxious thoughts run to and fro, intensely competing for her attention.

She bunches her fingers into an unyielding fist.

Her knuckles groan and beg for release from the tight grip. 

Her breathing is shallow, heavy, choppy, and contrived.

The iron claws of fear tighten around her chest.

Her frozen, raised shoulders look on, helpless.

Her belly squeezes in, trying to escape the chaos.

 

Exhale!

 

She lifts her dazed countenance and reigns in her wayward thoughts.

She breathes in deeply and slowly exhales.

The tension and strain in her soul reluctantly step aside.

She allows herself to fall into the moment.

She vacates the limbo of “yesterday’s regrets and tomorrow’s dreads.”

“It’s okay to take it a step at a time,” she coaxes herself.

She moves forward, hesitant, and bites into her day.

She chews slowly and swallows, savouring each mouthful of her fleeting life.

 

 

I am in my bubble.

You are in your glass cage.

I am in my corner.

You are in your cave.

There is no bridge connecting our two worlds.

Our islands drift apart.

There is a severe communication breakdown.

Storms of strife have caused a power outage.

There are signs of a meltdown.

Watch out!

 

 

I thought it didn’t matter.

I was wrong.

I was still bitter and angry towards you.

I had learned to camouflage it so well that I even deceived myself.

 

 

I have cracks.

That is what qualifies me.

I am flawed.

That is why I am well able.

 

It is the clefts, the nooks, and crannies in my soul that embellish me.

My gnarls and brokenness make a beautiful lampstand.

The light of hope and resilience, gracefully seep out of the crevices.

My world brightens up. 

 

I finally realize that I am lovely.

The dark clouds of self loath that floated on high o’er the hills and vales of my soul are no more.

I stand tall, scars and all.

The bitter and the sweet of my life have moulded me into a vase of exquisite artistry.

 

 

Where did I leave you?

My dearest carefree heart.

Where did I bury you?

My darling laid back mind.

Where did I mourn you and bid you goodbye?

My dear hopeful soul.

 

What broke you?

What humiliated you?

Who betrayed you?

Who hurt you this deep?

What shredded your heart to pieces?

What tore you asunder?

 

Why did you give up your friend, “peace of mind and a restful heart”?

 

 

It is all within my reach.

I can have it if I want, I know.

Why do I lull my will to sleep?

Why am I complacent?

I lean over the edge and balk.

I have a slack hand.

 

Why do I stand petrified?

Why don’t I allow myself to reach forward?

Why am I self-sabotaging?

Oh! Dear me, let me be!

Let me soar into my purpose.

Let me fly, faults and all.

 

 

You sneaked up on me.

You startled me.

You surprised me.

You left me speechless.

 

I tentatively opened my eyes.

I hesitantly got out of bed.

I slowly stretched my lethargic frame.

I grudgingly stood up to face you.

 

Why couldn’t you accord me a few more minutes?

 

To gather my thoughts,

To toughen my heart,

To brace my soul,

To take a deep breath.

 

You have zeroed in on me.

You unleash your weighty demands upon me.

You pour your obligations on my bewildered mind.

Can’t you simplify it for me, dear today!

 

You see, I am on the verge of burnout.

Whoa!
Darling elbow, why are you grouchy today?
Your eyes are throwing flaming darts at me.
You are aiming them with such precision.

Your anger is a volcano in eruption.
It is throwing up molten lava.
It is spewing extremely hot nothings towards me.

Oh!
Precious elbow, I have tried to reduce my workload.
I know what I put in place is not enough.
My effort is a drop in this ocean of rheumatic pain.

Please, do believe in my good intentions.
If I could do more or is it less, I would gladly do so.
I implore you, do ease this pain.

It is killing me!

Dear laughter, my faithful companion.
You did well today.
I salute you.
I congratulate you.

My bosom friend, I felt your warmth today.
I witnessed your faithfulness towards me.
You covered my nakedness.
You shielded me from shame.

If it weren’t for you, I would be exposed.
My wretched estate would be plain for all to see.
My brokenness laid bare.
The ruins of my heart stripped naked before all.

Thank you, my savior.
You hid me well.
They only saw the gleeful mask.
The real me, you hid so well.

I am forever grateful, the dearest companion of my wrecked estate.

He sat still, feeling small.
He held himself together.
Though deep inside, he was shaking like a leaf.

Each word she spat out was like venom.
The things she said lacerated him.
They shattered his already wounded heart.

She forged on with sadistic relish.
She dished criticism and insult all in one platter.
She spat vitriol, and it was like water off a duck’s back to him.

Then she dropped the atomic bomb.
It exploded his armor.
It shredded his soul.

He stood abruptly.
His eyes haggard, lost, and broken.
He disbelieved what he had heard.

How could she have gone so low?
Why did she dredge filth and fling it at him?
He had ignored most of her remarks, but not this one.

She had broken the foundation that made him who he was.
He left, removing himself from her toxic presence. He looked for a place to lick his wounds in private.

He needed to put together the splintered pieces of his heart, his esteem, and his self-worth.

It is familiar.
We have been here before.

The creeping chilling cold.
The stifling smothering heat.

The mourning groaning wind.
The raming battering waves.

The strident screeching shouts.
The hefty lonesome distance.

The crushing insidious indifference.
It is all too familiar, this territory.

This road, we have trod before.
We have walked more than a mile in these shoes, with their loose heartstrings!

Speak gently.
Listen patiently.
Smile encouragingly.

Uplifting words.
Healing statements.
Reflections that lighten up the daily load.

Sweet talk.
Pleasant chatter.
Tender words that rain on my parched soul.

I don’t know what to tell you, so I don’t call.
I don’t know where I stand with you, so I keep off.
I seem aloof and distant, but I am not.
My heart is burning with the urge to move closer to you.
Yet, I dare not come close, lest you reject me again.

Enjoy the moment.
Delight in the simple things in my life.
It seems so vague and overwhelming.
How can I do this, in the present circumstances?
Yet, if I don’t change my state of mind, can I avoid crashing and burning?
I am worried and stressed.
Anxiety has robbed me of my peace of mind.
I feel drained, and I am on the verge of shutting down.
My way of escape is to inhabit the moment.
I will enjoy the moment.
One day, one hour, one minute, one second, one step, one breath at a time.
It is all I am capable of doing.
I guess it is ok, for I am moving in the right direction.
It is all I know to do.

I hope you are doing well.
I am well, for now.
I hope our state of being well will outlast this pandemic.

But if you or your loved ones have been affected, I still wish you well.
I acknowledge your fears and pain.
I commiserate and grieve with you.

I wish you a better now and tomorrow; Even though things seem so bleak at the moment.
I wish you peace and strength to come out of this.
You are not alone.

I cried, but no tear fell.
I wept, yet it remained a barren land.
No dew drops formed on my eyelids.
No fountain flowed down my cheeks.

A heavy veil blurred my vision.
A dark storm cloud filled my sight.
My throat battled to keep its composure.
My voice perturbed, become husky and tremulous.

Keening, I grabbed my chest, crumbling to my knees.
I let all the waves of sorrow wash over me.
Each rising tide threatened to submerge me.
They crashed upon the rock of my guarded heart.

I wailed.
Now, I bawl no more.
Spent, I am!
I am a discarded corncob emptied of its kernels of hope.